Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable then they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. --Matt 6:25-27;34
So I don't generally consider myself an anxious person. My husband is generally considered the worrier. But lately I have started to worry, not all the time, but more than I usually do. My current contract has been drastically reduced and I'm worried...
I've always worked in the non-profit world, so I'm used to living year to year on grant funding. In June of this year, my funding was not renewed, so I decided to leave my job and work for another non-profit. Several weeks before I was to leave one job for another, we received word that 1/2 the money we were expecting would not be coming. This was, to say the least, a significant blow. I decided to proceed as planned relying on my faith that things would work out. A call to action was sent out to the Board of Directors. We needed to replace 30,000 dollars and fast!! One of our advisory Board members suggested we apply for a grant that was being offered through a local church. She was member. We discussed the possibility with our executive team only to learn that our board treasurer was also a member of the congregation AND a grant writer. Jackpot!! Thank you God!! I was sure this was God's providence at work. Around this same time we were asked to apply for a grant with another local non-profit on a shared project. We met with foundation representatives, discussed the possibility of getting a grant funded, and while we weren't promised anything, I was pretty confident that we would get the money we needed. Things seemed to be falling into place nicely. We would have the opportunity to replace 15,000 with 55,000 between the two grants. This was it!! "Where God closes one window he opens another" Right?? This was God's next thing! I was sure of it. We learned in August that we didn't get the grant from the church. Oh well, we still had the 40,000 from the foundation. No problem. I was still feeling pretty confident. Well...we were notified in October that we did not get the foundation grant. Oh...we didn't?? Are you sure??? This was God's next thing!! What do you mean we didn't get the grant!!! Well my confidence was shaken to say the least.
Since October I've been asking myself, "What have I done?" Was this really God's plan for me and if so then why didn't it work out like I thought it would? Doubt crept into my faith. Not doubt in God, but doubt in my ability to hear God and follow his will.
Working in my current position has afforded me more time with my children and a flexible schedule. Due to a variety of issues we decided to home school our oldest daughter. Working in my current position has allowed me time to work with her and make sure she is getting the attention and assistance she needs with her school work. She also has some medical issues, my current position has allowed me time for doctor's appointments. It's also allowed me to be at home more making sure she is taken care of. This school year I've been able to pick my youngest daughter up from school on a regular basis. I've been able to spend more time with her and help her with her homework. It's been exactly what I needed when I needed it.
Things did not work out like I had planned, but maybe... they worked out just as God had planned.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. --Isaiah 55:8-9
The bottom line is this: God know's what he's doing. We can't always see around the corner, but God can. So don't worry, be happy...have patience and God's plan will reveal itself.
The year was 1971. I was born the last of three children to parents who had a deep seeded faith in God. When I was a child my faith was their faith, but as I grew my faith became my own.
I don't remember many details about my childhood, but I do recall pieces of my faith blooming and growing in the Mennonite Church. I remember having a great passion for God and his will for my life. I was baptized in the Mennonite Church when I was 12. There are those who are baptized to join "a church". I don't recall that as my motivation. What I remember is that I wanted to be baptized because that is what God calls us to do.
When I was 15 we moved to Brownsville, TX. I remember my dad coming into my room to talk with me about the possibility of moving to Texas. What did I think? Our family had an opportunity to join a program called "Voluntary Service". It's sort of like missionary work. I thought to myself. "It's Texas, it's just next door... (to Oklahoma) I can come visit anytime I want. I had no IDEA how large Texas was and that it took 18 hours to go from one end to the other. I also had no IDEA that I was basically moving to another country, with a completely different culture and different language. We spent three years in Brownsville. I have often reflected on those years as the WORST years of my life. I went to two different high schools in those three years. I didn't look like most everyone else, I didn't speak the language. As a teenager, I remember feeling miserable and lost. I begged my dad to let me come home to Oklahoma. He didn't. I'm sure there were many times that I begged him but only one time sticks out in my memory and has helped me in my faith journey. I'm not one that memorizes scripture easily but there is one scripture I will never forget. As I sat on the tailgate of a truck with my dad he quoted Romans 8:28. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." This is the verse that has sustained me through my journey of faith. As I've grown older and reflected more I have come to realize it was those three years that helped to shape who I am today, for better and for worse. I have come to remember the positive memories as well as the negative. As I think about the cross roads in my life, Brownsville was a very significant one.
2011 was a challenge for me. It has been my latest cross road. I feel like I've been stuck at this cross road for a year or more. This is a new experience for me. I've just turned 40. I'm struggling. As much as I can remember I've always known what God's will has been for my life. I've felt secure in the decisions I've made related to my career choices and my family. I'm not feeling so secure now. In someways I feel I've lost the ability to hear God and his direction. I know he is still there. I know he is listening and he is constantly speaking to me. Maybe he's just not saying what I want him to say. What I hear him saying now is... be patient. This is the longest I've spent at a cross road, that I can recall. I haven 't lost my faith that God will lead me in the right direction, he always has. God's time is not our time. So I'll sit at this cross road and wait...
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. --Jeremiah 29:11
While I'm waiting, I thought it would be helpful for me to reflect on my faith journey and the cross roads that brought me to where I am today. Maybe through this reflection I'll find myself again and hear the voice of God loud and clear.
