The Blessings of Waiting

Have you not known? Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

So here I sit at this crossroad...waiting.  I feel like I've been waiting a while.  Waiting to feel God's direction for my life.  Thus far he's just said "I need you to wait." 

I've discovered there are "blessings" in waiting.  My "blessing" has come in the form of time. Time to do the things I need to do with my girls and more time with my husband.

Over the past couple of months I've learned what it truly means to "wait on the Lord", and it's true, he does strengthen us.  Don't get me wrong, its been VERY UNCOMFORTABLE waiting and I have felt weak and discouraged, but isn't that the point?  Sometimes we need to be uncomfortable and feel weak so we can feel GOD'S COMFORT and HIS STRENGTH.  My journey of faith has been about complete and utter dependence on God and his will for my life.  God knows when I'm comfortable and feel strong, I  begin to forget whose really in charge of my life.  I had a friend tell me recently, "We make plans... God laughs." Oh how true that has been for my life as of late.

I left my job in July thinking I knew exactly what God's plan was, I made plans and got comfortable, then he said, "wait a minute, don't get too comfortable, yes, it was time for you to leave and do something different, BUT I've got more in store for you, but I need you to WAIT, and while your waiting I'm going to give you peace and strength to endure what feels REALLY HARD and SCARY."  Uncertainty and job instability are scary, but some really wonderful things have happened along the way.  It wasn't until times got tough that I began to realize all the wonderful things that God was doing in my life.

When my hours were cut drastically in January I began to search deeper for the will of God. Did I make the right decision?  Yes  Is it time to do something different?  I don't know.  I thought at first Yes, God's done with me here, he needs me to move on to something else.  But I'm still here and my family has not gone without.  Yes we've had to make some changes in our spending habits, but we gave up things that were not vital to our existence, we spend very little on things we don't have to have (like fast food and movies).  It's made us pay much closer attention to how we spend our money, which is a good thing.  

I've been searching and praying for a stable job that was also flexible enough to allow me the time I've been given in recent months with my family.  I've submitted countless resumes but no calls for interviews.  What's going on here God, what do you have in store for me?  When I originally looked into doing independent consultant work, I only got discouraged because I felt like it was going to cost me too much money to get started.  (Money we didn't have)  I didn't think it was possible.  I felt defeated and discouraged. I didn't know how we were going to manage.  A wise man reminded me not to "borrow trouble from tomorrow". I spend so much time thinking about God and his plan that sometimes I forget the devil's at work too.  No one was offering me anything and I didn't see the possibility in doing consultant work.  But thus far that's what it looks like I'm doing.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle and just when I felt like I was at the end of my rope, I was offered another contract which I graciously excepted.  At the end of March I should hear about a third contract I've been offered, if the grant comes through.  So until then I'll wait... patiently.  God's timing is perfect. While I'm waiting I'll spend time with my girls and husband, being the wife and mother I've always wanted to be but never had the time to do.

So for those of you who are waiting, just be patient, God has something in store for you, and it may just be something totally unexpected.  While you wait, think of all the good that is coming out of your waiting.  I would love to hear about your "blessings of waiting".

The Testing of Faith

The first time I can really remember my faith being tested was February 20, 1998, the day my oldest daughter was born.


We were so excited when we found out we were having a baby.  My pregnancy was pretty uneventful as pregnancies go.  When we found out we were having a girl, I began to dream of all the pretty dresses and the little patent leather  shoes.  I couldn't wait for my little girl to be born.  The day arrived right on schedule.


I delivered our daughter at a woman's birthing center.  My provider warned me early on that if I thought I would have any complications I might want to reconsider and  have our daughter at a hospital with a NICU.  Other than my family's history with dystonia, we had no other risk factors.  I didn't drink, I didn't smoke...everything would be fine.  We decided to stay with the birthing center.


It didn't take long to know that something was wrong.  As soon as our daughter was born, they took her to clean her up.  I overheard one of the nurses say "uh-oh, she has a quarter size whole in her back."  I'm a social worker by trade. In 1998 I was working in a maternal and child health clinic.  I knew exactly what they were talking about...Spina Bifida.  I remember feeling calm and saying to my husband, "don't worry it will be okay".  At that moment God gave me a peace that only he can give.  


I held her for a few minutes and then they took her away to be transported to a local hospital. She was in surgery by noon.  Other than the birth defect, there were no other complications with the delivery.  My doctor let me go home that evening. We immediately went to the hospital to see our daughter. Over the next two weeks we learned about all the complications that come along with Spina Bifida.  My emotions were on a roller coaster ride of knowing God would work this out and questioning why? How could this happen? Two weeks and two surgeries later we were able to take her home.  (She also was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. She had a shunt place when she was a week old.)


I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't had my faith in God and recalled that early lesson from my father that "God works all things for good, for those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose".  God is going to use this for GOOD, ... somehow.


There were several epiphanies that I had during this time.  One of them is that sometimes there is no answer to the question of "why"?  Sometimes there are bad things that just happen to good people through no fault of there own.  Even when you do everything right (like getting early prenatal care,  not drinking and smoking during pregnancy and taking folic acid prior to pregnancy) bad things can still happen. I've learned the "why" may not be so important as the "okay now what are you gonna do".  


The other was my belief that God doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen, he allows them to happen.  Bad things happen in this world because there was a man and a woman in a garden who chose to disobey God and eat the forbidden fruit, thus bringing sin into the world.  From that moment on LIFE got hard.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  Let no one say when he is tempted, " I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 

James 1:12-13

God doesn't ask us to have faith because we have no trials, he asks us to have faith in spite of our trials.

Our daughter is now 13 years old and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  It's been an interesting journey to say the least and I know there are new phases just around the corner. I think the hardest part for me has been trying to explain to her why she is the way she is.  Helping her to understand that we may never know why, it is what is, now what are we going to do with it.  All we can do is live with it and go forward with the best of our ability. Just like everyone we have our good days and our bad days, but we get through them, coming out on the other end stronger then we were before.


She has grown into a beautiful young lady, one of the bravest people I know.  She is kind and compassionate and has a heart for children, especially those who are struggling with chronic disease and birth defects.  I look forward to seeing all the wonderful things she will accomplish as she grows into a young adult.


Soon after our daughter was born, my uncle, who struggles with dystonia, gave me some very good advice.  "Don't ever tell her she CAN'T do something."  He wasn't saying don't tell her no, he was saying let her try.  I have followed that advice.  I have let her be who she is and try things I didn't think she could do.  She has amazed me on a number of occasions.  Thanks Uncle Albert. 


So... to my daughter.  Don't be afraid to try.  You can do and be anything you want to be.  So go and do it!!


To the rest of you...

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith...

James  1: 5-6a

Keep the faith, even a midst trials of various kinds.  One day at a time he will get you through it, "perfect and complete".

Finding My Bosom Friend

"Marilla," she demanded presently, "do you think that I shall ever have a bosom friend in Avonlea?


"A--what kind of friend?"


"A bosom friend--an intimate friend, you know--a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul.  I've dreamed of meeting her all my life.  I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will, too.  do you think it's possible?"

---Anne of  Green Gables

Much like Anne, I have often prayed for a bosom friend.  I remember feeling very lonely through out my teen years and young adult life.  As I reflect now and think about the friends that have touched my life, I have had many "bosom friends" along the way.  Each giving something to me that no one else could.  Each being in my life at just the right time.


I think we all have ideas of how we think our life should go and when it doesn't turn out like we thought it would, we tend to focus on the negative, at least I do.  I try and pray for God's will but usually include a "if you can make it happen my way that would be great!"  When things don't turn out the way I think they should or the way I imagined them to be then I tend to sink into my self pity state of why me? or why not me? not considering that the result of what I got was how God wanted it to be and therefore what was best for me.  In this post I'll share with you a few examples of the bosom friends God has given to me on my faith journey and finding my greatest bosom friend of all.  


As I mentioned in my previous post, my family's move to Brownsville, TX was a life altering cross road for me.  My immediate feelings of Brownsville are negative, but when I take time to think of my time there, it wasn't all bad.    I went to three high schools in 4 years.  (1 in Oklahoma and 2 in Texas)  My junior year of high school I met Jennifer and Randy.  I can't thank God enough for those two people.  They made life bearable.  While my faith in God has always been a constant in my life, my life choices have not always been good ones.  I was a typical teenager trying to figure life out, making many poor choices along the way.  Jennifer and Randy helped me to persevere in the midst of my struggles.  I thank God for them.


After I graduated from high school, I left Texas and moved to Indiana.  I eventually lost touch with both Jennifer and Randy but each played a part in my journey and were in my life when I needed them to be.  


Just like Brownsville, I often remember feeling lonely during my college years, feeling as if, I didn't really connect strongly with anyone.  Failing to see, appreciate, and remember what was right in front of me.  Yes I had friends, but did I have a bosom friend?   LOTS!  The ones that stick out to me the most, were Ann, Heather, Todd, Scott, Becky, Mark and Denise; My friendships with these folks was not always what I thought it should be, but they were there for me when I needed them, when it counted, each in their own way. Thank you!


After college I returned home to Oklahoma.  I had lost touch with all my childhood friends so basically had to start over in the friend department.  Soon after returning home I met a young couple walking their dog.  They wanted to introduce their dog to my dog.  They seemed very nice.  I thought to myself "how do I let them know I need friends without sounding desperate?"  I simply mentioned that I had just returned home from college and didn't know many people.  They were quick to invite me to play volleyball with the singles group at the church where they worshiped.  I jumped at the chance.    


I made many dear friends who I consider to be my friends to this day.  Did I find a bosom friend?  YES!  AGAIN, it wasn't what I had planned, but God knows best and gave me the exact friends that I needed at the exact time that I needed them.  


During this time of my life I began to not only think of every day friends but of life partners as well.  I'll never forget the day I sat in church with the other singles of the congregation, the boys sitting in front of the girls.  I went down the row and considered privately which of the boys I would consider dating and which boys I wouldn't.  I recall one boy in particular that I was very adamant about not dating.  I considered this boy to be arrogant and conceded.  I wanted nothing to do with him! Not what I had in mind at all for a life partner.  God had other plans.  Without telling you the whole story, I eventually DID go out with that boy, fell in love and got married.  

1995- A little younger and a little skinnier

I often tell people, Michael saved me from myself.  The poor choices I began to make as a teenager continued in college and I was on the verge of continuing those poor choices until Michael came along.  Michael, with all his conceded arrogance, was the best thing to happen to me. I had finally found my life long bosom friend.  Someone I could share my inner most thoughts with.  He wasn't the one I expected to share my life with, but again God's thoughts are higher then mine and he provides the exact best for us, in the exact time that we need it.


Michael and I will be married 17 years this year.  Those years have not all been rosy but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  

Today-- A little fatter but a little wiser

Though out my life God has continued to provide me with the people that I need when I need them.  No, things have not always turned out as I had planned, and but they have always turned out just as God had planned.  My closest friends now are not the friends of my childhood and they may move out of my life in years to come, but they are what I need now in this time at this cross road, and whatever happens to them, I still have my "bosom friend", my husband, and until death parts us, he will be my constant companion.






To my other current bosom friends, you know who you are, thank you for your continued support and encouragement while I wait at my current cross road.  I thank God for you each and every day!

Don't Worry Be Happy

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable then they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  --Matt 6:25-27;34




So I don't generally consider myself an anxious person.  My husband is generally considered the worrier.  But lately I have started to worry, not all the time, but more than I usually do. My current contract has been drastically reduced and I'm worried...


I've always worked in the non-profit world, so I'm used to living year to year on grant funding. In June of this year, my funding was not renewed, so I decided to leave my job and work for another non-profit.  Several weeks before I was to leave one job for another, we received word that 1/2 the money we were expecting would not be coming.  This was, to say the least, a significant blow.  I decided to proceed as planned relying on my faith that things would work out.  A call to action was sent out to the Board of Directors.  We needed to replace 30,000 dollars and fast!!  One of our advisory Board members suggested we apply for a grant that was being offered through a local church.  She was member.  We discussed the possibility with our executive team only to learn that our board treasurer was also a member of the congregation AND a grant writer.  Jackpot!!  Thank you God!!  I was sure this was God's providence at work.  Around this same time we were asked to apply for a grant with another local non-profit on a shared project.  We met with foundation representatives, discussed the possibility of getting a grant funded, and while we weren't promised anything, I was pretty confident that we would get the money we needed.  Things seemed to be falling into place nicely.  We would have the opportunity to replace 15,000 with 55,000 between the two grants. This was it!! "Where God closes one window he opens another" Right??  This was God's next thing! I was sure of it.  We learned in August that we didn't get the grant from the church.  Oh well, we still had the 40,000 from the foundation. No problem.  I was still feeling pretty confident. Well...we were notified in October that we did not get the foundation grant. Oh...we didn't??  Are you sure??? This was God's next thing!!  What do you mean we didn't get the grant!!!  Well my confidence was shaken to say the least.  


Since October I've been asking myself, "What have I done?"  Was this really God's plan for me and if so then why didn't it work out like I thought it would?  Doubt crept into my faith.  Not doubt in God, but doubt in my ability to hear God and follow his will.


Working in my current position has afforded me more time with my children and a flexible schedule.  Due to a variety of issues we decided to home school our oldest daughter.  Working in my current position has allowed me time to work with her and make sure she is getting the attention and assistance she needs with her school work.  She also has some medical issues, my current position has allowed me time for doctor's appointments.  It's also allowed me to be at home more making sure she is taken care of.  This school year I've been able to pick my youngest daughter up from school on a regular basis.  I've been able to spend more time with her and help her with her homework.  It's been exactly what I needed when I needed it.  


Things did not work out like I had planned, but maybe... they worked out just as God had planned.


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  --Isaiah 55:8-9


The bottom line is this:  God know's what he's doing.  We can't always see around the corner, but God can.  So don't worry, be happy...have patience and God's plan will reveal itself.

The Journey Begins...

The year was 1971.  I was born the last of three children to parents who had a deep seeded faith in God.  When I was a child my faith was their faith, but as I grew my faith became my own.  


I don't remember many details about my childhood, but I do recall pieces of my faith blooming and growing in the Mennonite Church.  I remember having a great passion for God and his will for my life.  I was baptized in the Mennonite Church when I was 12.  There are those who are baptized to join "a church".  I don't recall that as my motivation.  What I remember is that I wanted to be baptized because that is what God calls us to do.       


When I was 15 we moved to Brownsville, TX.  I remember my dad coming into my room to talk with me about the possibility of moving to Texas.  What did I think? Our family had an opportunity to join a program called "Voluntary Service".  It's sort of like missionary work.  I thought to myself.  "It's Texas, it's just next door... (to Oklahoma) I can come visit anytime I want.  I had no IDEA how large Texas was and that it took 18 hours to go from one end to the other.  I also had no IDEA that I was basically moving to another country, with a completely different culture and different language.  We spent three years in Brownsville.  I have often reflected on those years as the WORST years of my life.  I went to two different high schools in those three years.  I didn't look like most everyone else, I didn't speak the language. As a teenager, I remember feeling miserable and lost.    I begged my dad to let me come home to Oklahoma.  He didn't.  I'm sure there were many times that I begged him but only one time sticks out in my memory and has helped me in my faith journey.  I'm not one that memorizes scripture easily but there is one scripture I will never forget.  As I sat on the tailgate of a truck with my dad he quoted Romans 8:28. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." This is the verse that has sustained me through my journey of faith. As I've grown older and reflected more I have come to realize it was those three years that helped to shape who I am today, for better and for worse.  I have come to remember the positive memories as well as the negative.  As I think about the cross roads in my life, Brownsville was a very significant one.  


2011 was a challenge for me.  It has been my latest cross road.  I feel like I've been stuck at this cross road for a year or more.  This is a new experience for me. I've just turned 40.  I'm struggling.  As much as I can remember I've always known what God's will has been for my life.  I've felt secure in the decisions I've made related to my career choices and my family.  I'm not feeling so secure now.  In someways I feel I've lost the ability to hear God and his direction.  I know he is still there.  I know he is listening and he is constantly speaking to me.  Maybe he's just not saying what I want him to say.  What I hear him saying now is... be patient.    This is the longest I've spent at a cross road, that I can recall.  I haven 't lost my faith that God will lead me in the right direction, he always has.  God's time is not our time.  So I'll sit at this cross road and wait...


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. --Jeremiah 29:11


While I'm waiting, I thought it would be helpful for me to reflect on my faith journey and the cross roads that brought me to where I am today.  Maybe through this reflection I'll find myself again and hear the voice of God loud and clear.